Yes, I had a meltdown earlier this week. No, it wasn't fun. I was having another one of those quarter-life crisis attacks that sound something like this: What am I doing here? What's my purpose in life? What's gonna happen with my career? Am I crazy or do I just need time? Why am I not in love? And what the heck am I doing in another country?? It really felt like the walls of my AirBnB room were closing in on me as I faded into obscurity.
Of course, I called my friend Daniel Bostic, because that's who everybody calls when they have a crisis. Plus, Daniel knows me better than I know myself and I knew he'd know exactly how to turn my meltdown upside down. I was right.
"Why don't you create a schedule for yourself? Write down what you'll be doing every day and where you'll be going. Map out a plan." Daniel said that although I'm a creator who needs the freedom to explore, I'm still in need of discipline in my life. After all, I grew up extremely disciplined in a religious community. Going from that to the freedoms of a secular life can quite discombobulating.
He also suggested that since I stopped doing my weeknight livestreams which I had really started to identify with after 7 months, I may have lost some of my sense of routine and self. Going back to the livestreams might be a good idea, he said. (This is something many people have been asking me about, by the way, and I'm definitely thinking about continuing regularly once I get back to the U.S.)
I know I'm not the only person with my problem, by the way. It's very common to get caught up with actual life and forget to have a written plan for yourself, and then panic when you forget what you were supposed to be doing. But the plan is super important, even if you don't use it!
Pretty simple advice, huh? I got off the phone with Daniel and dragged my freaked out self to a pub in the city with a notebook and pen. I then wrote what I'll be doing for the rest of the week, and even the next few weeks, including my vlogs. I reminded myself of what I had planned for the next few months, and tentatively even for the next year. Then, I ordered a large platter of nachos and watched a kids' tv show for the next hour. (Don't ask about my weird Disney Channel phase, I'm quite enjoying it though haha.)
I went home and boy, have I been enjoying my time in London since. I've barely even followed the plan I'd set for myself that night but it feels so nice to be able to identify with something that I'm at least supposed to be doing.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Oh, not much, I'm gonna check out the Columbia Road Flower Market and the British Museum, I've never been. Then, I've gotta return something at the mall and check out some outfits for my school trip next week, and I'll meet up with friends for dinner.
Usually, only one or two of those things actually pans out. I haven't even completed the YouTube vlog I had planned to upload yesterday because I got super sick. But at least I can identify with the other things and know that at no point throughout the day will I be like, Fuck, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life or where I belong right now! I'll know where I belong because I've written that down.
And it feels alright. Thanks, Daniel.