Bringing up politics at your family Thanksgiving dinner is a great way to easily become the most unpopular person at the table and maybe even banned from future dinners... especially if you've got family members on all sides of the political spectrum. But if you're like me, you simply can't shut up about politics for an entire meal. It's really difficult. It's like depriving yourself from alcohol at a raving party or reading Hillary Clinton's entire memoir with your eyes open.
So, I've devised a plan to help myself avoid talking politics-- I'm hoping it will help you too! Whenever you feel the urge to bring up a political topic at your Thanksgiving table, just pick a distraction from this list:
1. Show everybody at the table your BIG BAD SHINY GUNS
I was talking about these guns, silly.
2. Complain about you have to hide your friend Mari Juanna when you're out in public
Of course, obnoxious Tila Tequila gets a free pass wherever she goes.
3. Sexually harass somebody at the table, preferably your vegan aunt from Pasadena
That'll definitely distract everybody from anything political.
4. Reveal to your mom that you just discovered you accidentally got pregnant with the cable guy at work and are already in your third trimester but you happen to think babies are overrated ("I told you I'm not overweight, Mom!")
Definitely do it while using tweezers to pluck a limb off your family's Thanksgiving turkey and then passing it to your sister
5. Then, divide the turkey into perfectly equal pieces and distribute one piece to every family member using a measuring syringe.
Turkey is a basic human right.
6. Don't let anybody see the illegal stuffed aliens you've been hiding in your bedroom this whole time
Sorry... I meant *undocumented* stuffed aliens
7. If all else fails, you can always talk about the NFL!
Can't get political with sports... can you?